Please understand.

Depression is strange, right? You could be miles away from home. You could be on the opposite side of the world. You could be at such beautiful places that a lot can only dream of. Even after all that, it will still find its way to you. It will come and eat you up.

It doesn’t matter if you are in the middle of a crowd taking photographs, laughing, singing songs; you, on the other hand, could be in a whole another world.

You start to sweat in such cool mist around you. You feel like you’re being suffocated and you need to hold something to help you regain your balance and not fall and end up causing some serious drama. A panic attack is what you fear the most. Not because of yourself, but because of how you don’t want to ruin your family’s vacation too with your very common panic attacks and all the other shit you are very prone to. Every time your parents ask you, ‘are you okay?’ and you just nod because you know that if you speak, your voice will break.

You just walk. On your own. You look around yourself while all the horrible things everyone who mattered has ever said to you, echo in your head. Your vision blurs but you refuse to cry and just keep on walking and try your best to keep track of your family’s voices to know you are somewhere near them. But then you come across this cliff. It’s beautiful. You’re walking almost on the edge of it. And you wonder, what if I jump off this? Will it be fun? Will it be enough to kill me?

But then hear your mom’s voice, shouting from a distance, asking you to walk faster because they are tired waiting for you. And you turn around, leave your tempting thoughts behind and just walk silently and obediently behind them, hugging yourself and not allowing yourself to break down.

Let me tell you it sucks. It’s really horrible. So just stop making depression sound fucking fascinating because it feels like being choked, all the fucking time. Thank you.

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